Moved

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Coraline

I watched the movie “Coraline” with my buddy Porshia Foster, and it was crazy. While we were thinking that it was just a kid’s movie, we soon learned that it was not. I had already begun watching the movie, so I had some idea what it was about, but I was still not prepared for the depth of the movie as we watched together. From the beginning, it was clear that something strange was happening from the way the doll is made. It was clear that this was not the first doll to be made, and whatever it was, it was designed for a specific person. The person who it was made for was a little girl who recently moved and was essentially ignored by her parents. Being a curious young lady (presumably around the age of 12), she was curious and explored everything. She was given a doll that looked exactly like her, and that same day, she found a little door, behind which there was a brick wall. Shrugging it off, she goes to bed, but is later lured by a mouse back to the door, which know has a tunnel behind it to a house that looks like her own… yet, it’s different. In this house, everything seems to be as she desires – her parents are attentive and her mother cooks actual food. The neighbors are entertaining instead of crazy, the little boy who drives her crazy cannot talk, and everything just seems perfect.


Now, I don’t want to ruin the movie, because you’re going to want to see it, but I will tell you that it showed me some things about life. One, life cannot be perfect. Anything that seems perfect always has its flaws. Everything cannot be catered to us or make us happy without a price. This thought ties into the second lesson – things are not always as they seem. Just because something looks amazing and promising and better than what you have doesn’t mean that it’s better for you. When you look closer and get beyond your own desire to be the center of attention, you will most likely see the problems. This also relates to people who we may think are a little off. Even though they seem to be quirky or whatever, they may be the most in touch with divine things and just see life in a different way. Three, people do crazy things in the name of love. Anyone who wants to love you so much that their whole life revolves around you will soon drain the life from you. I’m not saying that it’s bad to love someone deeply and generously, but if the person cannot exist outside that love for you, they will begin expecting and desiring things of you to draw them into that kind of existence. If a person cannot exist outside of you, that is a problem, and the relationship will not be good.

There’s more to this movie, but I’d have to watch it again to remember it all. Just know that is a worthwhile movie that’s less than 2 hours.

Freedom

So, yes, it is July 4th - the day that America celebrates its independence from Great Britain and became an independent country.  Of course, as a person of African American heritage, I find it hard to celebrate a day that meant nothing to the slaves who didn't become at all liberated on this day in 1776.  It is especially difficult for me to celebrate an independence when this country has enslaved many people and places with its empire mentality in the name of democracy and "freedom."
Yet, that's not what I'm writing about today.  The freedom indicated by the title of today's blog is deeper and (to me) more important than this nation's independence and it has several sources.  The freedom I am most concerned with for myself and for all people is the freedom to be beautifully authentic.  There is no greater freedom in my mind than the freedom to be who God called and created me to be.  If I cannot be true to myself, what good is anything else in life?  As my pastor talked about this morning, we can have all kinds of stuff and be materially successful and still feel very empty.  People too often attach who they are to stuff, status, people, even religion, but I say that none of these can bring fulfillment and satisfaction.  [Note that I said religion, not God - there's a huge difference.]  Having wrestled for 3 years at STVU, I have come to realize that authenticity isn't the most important thing - it's the only thing.  If I have to hide/fake who I am, what I need/want, what I believe, etc, then something is wrong.  If I can't be honest and I have to hide, I can quickly lose who I really am, leaving me eternally creating a persona and face for others. 
I have thus sought to live authentically and seek relationships in which I can be authentic.  I will say that this has been difficult, because I'm not the most conventional person.  Admittedly, there are some facets of myself that I do not share completely with everyone I know, because there are certain battles I'd rather not fight.  For instance, my theological beliefs since graduating from seminary are vastly different than they were when I entered seminary.  In some of my relationships, this has caused some tension, but at heart, I am still the same person, and I cannot change what I believe because people disagree.  While my friends are aware of what I believe, having theological debates about the particulars thereof is an easy way to end a friendship that has more at stake than doctrinal differences.  They allow me to be me, believing what I believe, and I am respectful enough to do the same for them. 
And the freedom in a relationship to be completely honest is invaluable.  In thinking about my best friend, it still amazes me the freedom that he gives me to be honest about my feelings about everything.  He always listens and acknowledges my feelings, whether he agrees or not.  There are times when he will check me on things, but I'm glad that I can be confident enough in our friendship to be open and trust that he'll still be my friend at the end of the day.  Having lived on edge with my feelings for years, the ability to breathe and release and allow others to take care of me and being able to trust a relationship... I can only thank God for the strength of heart that I've gained.  It is God who created me and who ultimately protects my heart, but I'm so glad that I don't feel like I have to hide in a bubble away from all of humanity, because God has blessed me with some angels with whom I can be authentic and be loved for who I am.

I challenge you to test the authenticity of your interactions and relationships.  How many people in your life can you truly be honest with?  Can you truly be honest with yourself about yourself?  If not, explore why.  I promise you, authentic living is worth the struggle.

Conversation and Conclusions

I had quite the conversation the other night with my buddy, Shola Walker, and while the entirety is too much to record here, the things I concluded with the help of said conversation are probably important, so I’m going to process them here. Much of what we talked about was actually he subject of my 2 blogs yesterday, but there is more stuff to share as well.


Point 1 (which may really be the entire point with its own sub-points) – I AM TIRED. Now, this shouldn’t be too much of a stretch considering that in the last 60 days, just about every one of my significant relationships has changed considerably, I graduated from grad school (and not just grad school, but the process at the Samuel DeWitt Proctor School of Theology), I moved back in with my parents, I got a bill reminding me that November 14 begins the repayment of student loans, I have the potential to be part of the Peace Corps and live in another country in less than a year, I have to find a job (one of that pays), and I need to find something in my area of Peace Corps interest (youth/programming) in order to make sure that I’m competitive enough to be chosen to go to the Peace Corps, and I probably have to relearn Spanish. So, with all of that going on (and some more stuff that I just don’t feel like naming), it is quite understandable that I would be tired.

I mean, I know how to deal with tired – I’ve been tired in one way or another for the past 3 years, because STVU is quite the experience. Two of the differences now, though, are that my support system has shifted and that my body is starting to respond to the stress. Why have I said all this? Because I think it’s time for a break. And I don’t just mean a day sitting on the beach. I’m thinking a full-out, cell phone optional, 3+ days by myself somewhere. Really, I’m tired of giving and doing and being for others. Because relationships are such large investments for me, when they change, it takes a lot out of me. While I know that change is natural in relationship, so much at once has overwhelmed me. With all that’s been going on, I’ve barely had the time and space to write about it, which I know is part of the problem, because I know that writing is one of the ways that I process and handle things.

Point 2 (so I found another point…) – I have changed A LOT in the past 3 years, and some of the ways I’ve changed are making things that wouldn’t necessarily have been an issue before into something more complex. One of the most important things I learned at STVU was authenticity, which connects strongly with my sense of self-worth. The person that is me is a unique, creative, strange, wonderful girl, and I have needs and desires and hopes and dreams and such. Most importantly, I deserve to be treated with great love and respect, and the needs that I have deserve to be acknowledged and taken care of in a healthy way. Because of this, I have become more particular about my relationships – the selection and the flow thereof. I’ve learned how to be honest about my feelings even if this might hurt someone else’s. For so long, I let the feelings of others be more important than my own, suffering in silence as I worked to please others, but now, I just can’t do that. Granted, I’m always careful about what I say, but the need to be honest and take care of me is strong within me now.

Conclusion - The 2 above points have pushed me to really think about what I'm doing and where I am in terms of life and relationships and how I handle things.  While the introvert in me loves to sit in my room with my music and my thoughts, I know that I can't run away from the world, but I can be careful about my heart.  I can also keep writing (and now that I have more free time than ever in life, I can do so). 

Worthy

So, even though I wrote an entry a little while ago, I think I have a slightly related part B to it.  As inspired by Melvin Davis' status on Facebook - "Sometimes you have to let go of the thought of experiencing love with someone else, in order to allow love to come at a more appropriate time, from somewhere else. It’s important that you do so" - I have come to realize that sometimes, even when your heart has latched onto a situation, you may have to let it go.  That doesn't always mean that the relationship has to end (depending on the situation), but your heart may have to ease its grip on a person or thing in order that you may have sanity.  For instance, if you are in love with someone who has a significant other, be it bf/gf, fiance, or spouse, you may need to ratchet down those feelings.  Ideally, there would be no cheating in any situation, but even if you are just friends with someone, and you find some attractions going on, be careful.  No matter what you may find with that person, there are no justifiable reasons for crossing a line.  Even if you feel the need to express your feelings, you are under no circumstances to pursue said person while they are still in relationship.  If you are significant enough to them, it is up to them to change their relationship status prior to coming after you.
But beyond that, sometimes we have to realize that some relationships in our lives are to teach us things.  We are sometimes meant to be friends with a person in order to gain insight into what a good relationship should be or to understand a need/part of yourself that was not previously accessed.  Unfortunately, we sometimes cling to the person and not the lesson, and when we do this, we can miss/lose both.  So, my advise (as I am learning myself) is to take each relationship where it is for what it is.  If it is meant to be and you are meant to walk down the aisle with the person, it will happen, but I wouldn't advise trying to "make" that happen.  Besides, if you can "make" it happen with you, what makes you think someone else down the road can't also, leaving you as the disrespected one on the other end.   I'm well aware that this is easier said than done, especially when your heart is deeply involved and you see in this person something that you've never seen/always wanted/think you must have in that particular person, but I promise that things will be much smoother if you practice patience and allow things to take their course.  
I mean, honestly, how would life be if you were now with the first person you ever liked?  Was that person really for you or was there something at the time that sparked your interest?  We tend to be attracted to people who match where we are, but as we grow, we change and they change - then what?  Enjoy each relationship for what it is, and let things end up where they may.  Manipulation and such are never a good idea, but a foundation like that can only really lead to a shaky relationship....  
Know that you are worthy of more than someone else's seconds.  You do not have to choose to be 2nd place.  It is my belief that there is someone for everyone, and while monogamy isn't always at the top of everyone's list, know that you don't have to be an option.  If you think where you are is the best you can get, I would reconsider your view of yourself.  You are beautiful and unique and special enough to have 1 person who is devoted to only you.  So if you have to let go of 1 great person to get that person who is perfect for you. 
Don't worry - this is a pill I'm currently trying to swallow myself.  Tis a bitter pill, but like the vitamins/medicine my mom gave me as a kid, it will make me stronger in the long run.

Can I Lay in Your Arms?

The title of my entry is the title of a song by Donald Lawrence and the perfect expression of my current state of heart.  For as long as I can remember, I've wrestled with the need to be held.  As made clear by our friend Gary Chapman, my love language is probably physical touch, and so I tend to require/desire large amounts of physical love and care.  This, of course, can be a little complicated when it comes to a number of factors - the opposite sex, comfort level with a person, intentions behind touch, etc.  One of my devotionals the other day was about the healing benefits of physical touch, and while I couldn't agree more, I also have come to realize that there can be many problems associated with such.  Not to say that I'm the greatest thing since eggs and bacon, but I find that males have a hard time providing any sort of holding without desiring/trying to get more than that.  
And while I love God to pieces and I appreciate the time spent in God's presence, there is something about a physical pair of arms that wrap me in warmth and care.  One of my best friends actually introduced me to the idea of intimacy when he just decided to hold me one day.  [Granted, I'd heard about intimacy before, but I never really knew what it was or experienced it with that label attached to it until that moment.]  I probably could have gone straight to Heaven in that moment because of the beauty of that moment.  That seemed to be the fulfillment of my deepest desires for a caring physical touch that I never really even knew I needed.  The problem is that I cannot get that on a regular basis.  Is it possible to hire a person to be on-call to give loving, meaningful hugs or just hold me when I need it?
If someone can figure out how I can work out this need for physical contact/intimacy in a healthy way, please let me know, because I'm scratching my head at this point.