I had quite the conversation the other night with my buddy, Shola Walker, and while the entirety is too much to record here, the things I concluded with the help of said conversation are probably important, so I’m going to process them here. Much of what we talked about was actually he subject of my 2 blogs yesterday, but there is more stuff to share as well.
Point 1 (which may really be the entire point with its own sub-points) – I AM TIRED. Now, this shouldn’t be too much of a stretch considering that in the last 60 days, just about every one of my significant relationships has changed considerably, I graduated from grad school (and not just grad school, but the process at the Samuel DeWitt Proctor School of Theology), I moved back in with my parents, I got a bill reminding me that November 14 begins the repayment of student loans, I have the potential to be part of the Peace Corps and live in another country in less than a year, I have to find a job (one of that pays), and I need to find something in my area of Peace Corps interest (youth/programming) in order to make sure that I’m competitive enough to be chosen to go to the Peace Corps, and I probably have to relearn Spanish. So, with all of that going on (and some more stuff that I just don’t feel like naming), it is quite understandable that I would be tired.
I mean, I know how to deal with tired – I’ve been tired in one way or another for the past 3 years, because STVU is quite the experience. Two of the differences now, though, are that my support system has shifted and that my body is starting to respond to the stress. Why have I said all this? Because I think it’s time for a break. And I don’t just mean a day sitting on the beach. I’m thinking a full-out, cell phone optional, 3+ days by myself somewhere. Really, I’m tired of giving and doing and being for others. Because relationships are such large investments for me, when they change, it takes a lot out of me. While I know that change is natural in relationship, so much at once has overwhelmed me. With all that’s been going on, I’ve barely had the time and space to write about it, which I know is part of the problem, because I know that writing is one of the ways that I process and handle things.
Point 2 (so I found another point…) – I have changed A LOT in the past 3 years, and some of the ways I’ve changed are making things that wouldn’t necessarily have been an issue before into something more complex. One of the most important things I learned at STVU was authenticity, which connects strongly with my sense of self-worth. The person that is me is a unique, creative, strange, wonderful girl, and I have needs and desires and hopes and dreams and such. Most importantly, I deserve to be treated with great love and respect, and the needs that I have deserve to be acknowledged and taken care of in a healthy way. Because of this, I have become more particular about my relationships – the selection and the flow thereof. I’ve learned how to be honest about my feelings even if this might hurt someone else’s. For so long, I let the feelings of others be more important than my own, suffering in silence as I worked to please others, but now, I just can’t do that. Granted, I’m always careful about what I say, but the need to be honest and take care of me is strong within me now.
Conclusion - The 2 above points have pushed me to really think about what I'm doing and where I am in terms of life and relationships and how I handle things. While the introvert in me loves to sit in my room with my music and my thoughts, I know that I can't run away from the world, but I can be careful about my heart. I can also keep writing (and now that I have more free time than ever in life, I can do so).
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